My last section left off with me securing a doctor's appointment for Wednesday, June 20, 2018 with a doctor I had never met. I secured that appointment the preceeding Monday. You know, at that point I was a little rattled but I didn't feel scared. I reached out to a couple of my friends and my 2 closest cousins looking for reassurance that this was probably nothing. That the lump I was feeling was most likely benign, and they did offer that reassurance. They shared some stories with me about how their sister or they themselves had to have a biopsy and removal of the lump, but they were all benign and the removals were successful.
Let's talk about the lump. It was big. I mean, I still can't believe that I didn't feel it before. And I can't believe Alex never noticed it either, I kind of say that jokingly but seriously, the lump felt so big I really can't believe neither of us noticed it before. I couldn't just feel it, I could grab it and hold it through my flesh. The best I can describe it is about the size and feel of a golf ball. Definitely bigger than a grape, and solid as a rock. It is positioned right behind my nipple, I learned that it is why the nipple collapsed, the tumor was attacking the duct behind the nipple - pulling it in. I also later learned that the milk duct is where my cancer was born, where it started. I think a lot about the timing of the nipple collapsion, I noticed it 4 days after burying my sweet Grandpa. I don't believe that is coincidental. Most of you know that I didn't grow up with my Father and have absolutely no memories or photos of him. The guy could be standing right next to me and I wouldn't know it was him. I honestly don't know why he walked out on me, my brother and my Mom but I can say with complete conviction that I honestly don't give a shit. By leaving us he created a vacancy that my Grandpa never thought twice about filling. Gramps was my Dad, he helped deliver my first baby, (Celeste), gave me away at my wedding, came to watch me cheer on the Bryan High School Vikings, taught me how to cook, disciplined the hell out of me when I got out of line, stood by my Mom when I was a rebellious asshole daughter....I mean, he was my Dad. And I am thankful that my natural Father awarded him the opportunity to be my Dad. He loved me like his own daughter and cared for, protected and cheered me on through life. Gramps was very sick for the last year+, he struggled with a lot of things and didn't cope well with much of anything. I won't push my faith or beliefs on anyone through this blog, but I will say that someone, somewhere, a higher power of some sort - spared Gramps the tragedy of having to hear that I have cancer. I believe that with every fiber of my being. Gramps could not have handled this and I am so grateful that he didn't have to try to.
Fast forward through a couple anxious, but mostly naive, days to Wednesday. Alex takes me to the doctor and she performs the breast exam. For whatever stupid reason I kind of thought she would tell me she didn't feel anything, lol. It's ridiculous to think about now but I really thought she might tell me that what I was feeling was normal and my nipple just collapsed because I'm old LOL! I read that! I mean if the Google says it, it has to be true right?! :) But she didn't tell me that, she felt the lump and she acted kind of weird. She is a very sweet and competent woman but her poker face sucks. She basically told me through many stuttered words and nervous laughs that she felt it, saw the nipple collapsion and wanted me to go for a STAT mammo that day. She scurried us up to the receptionist and told her to get us into the Cancer Center "today". She also told her to get some labs on me before I left and then looked at me and said, "God Bless You". OK - I was officially scared. What the hell man? She basically punched me in the gut and then smiled while kicking me in the face. From that very second to this very second - my stomach has never felt at ease. The receptionist sent me to get my labs while she tried to get me into the Cancer Center - also, it's scary as shit to be sent to the Cancer Center, even with no diagnosis. Just knowing there is a foreign growth in my body and being sent to the damn Cancer Center - cocktail for paranoia. The nurse drawing my labs was as sweet as could be but in making small talk she asks why I was having the labs and when I told her she went on to tear up and tell me that she lost her mom to breast cancer. Great. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible for her, but jeez. Not real encouraging at the time. After the labs were complete, Alex and I went back to reception, she tells me she couldn't get us in today but we were to go first thing the following morning.
Thursday, June 21. The Cancer Center. Mama Mia, the most intimdating building I've ever been to. Alex takes me to the appointment and offers the most reassuring, loving and supportive words on the way. I can hear them but am not really able to digest them because I've already spent the whole prior day and night reading on the damn Google and diagnosing myself with terminal cancer that has spread all over my body. Dumb, so dumb I know but that's my personality. Gather information, analyze, formulate my conclusion. I do it all the friggin time and drive myself mad. Nevertheless, Alex continued to encourage me and help me get checked in and then being the badass boss man that he is, sets up a little workstation in the corner of the waiting area and jumps on conference calls to handle business at work. I'll never ever forget the smile he gave me before walking over- with bluetooth ear piece in action- to kiss my hand when they called my name to go back for the mammogram. This is where my life became a whirlwind and Alex has never left my side. From the second I came out of the shower wrapped in a towel dripping water on the carpet, scared and asking him to see if he felt the same lump I did - to this very morning when he turned on the news for me on my favorite station - this man has not let me go one second feeling alone. Our relationship is not perfect, infact we are FAR from perfect. But there is no doubt that this incredible man loves me and would walk through fire for me. And you know what? He would walk right through that damn fire without batting an eye and come out the other side with no friggin burns because that's just who he friggin is! No man has ever loved me unconditionally the way he does other than my late Grandpa. No man has ever taken care of me the way he does other than my sweet Gramps. No man has ever cheered me on through life the way he does other than my loving Grandpa. I hate that I have to fight this battle, I really do and I really wish this wasn't part of my life. But damn it, I have to fight and I have an ARMY of fighters fighting with me and the strongest General in the world leading me. You know, maybe there's a reason I was handed this battle. Maybe I wasn't seeing how friggin awesome my life is. Perhaps my vision was blurred when I looked at Alex. Whatever the case, with this man in my corner I can't lose.
