The Chemo

My chemo started on July 13th, 2018, Friday the friggin 13th of course. That could be looked at two ways for me, obvi Friday the 13th is traditionally bad luck, however, I absolutely love fall, October, pumpkin spice and ANYTHING HALLOWEEN! So perhaps Friday the 13th was a gift to me, a sign that God, or Baylor Scott and White Scheduling gets my humor :) Nevertheless, I still had a TON of anxiety leading up to it, now that I know Chemo, I am more comfortable at least with the word. But the word "chemo" and saying "I have chemo tomorrow" was so foreign and so scary crossing my lips and floating into someone else's ears. It's so crazy, the process....the thought, deciding if I'm comfortable to share, the words flowing from my brain, across my lips, and into the ears of somoeone else, then watching their faces transform. And they always do, every single one, not always the same transformation, but a transformation nonetheless. Some are just shock, most are sad looking, some even cry, others smile and bless me wih this gift of encouraging words and affection - those are rare, most of us are not blessed this way naturally and that is ok - still others find their humor, their faces toughen up and they tell me how much of a bad bitch I am and how this chemo has met its match!, those are fun - and others, well their faces don't change much, but their eyes do and a lot of times it's a look of discomfort. I've learned that this is very normal too, someitmes it's just uncomfortble. For so many reasons, because they don't want this to be happening to me, because cancer is scary and can be fatal, because they don't want to say the wrong thing and simply because they don't know what to say or maybe even how to feel. This is ok too, and honestly, from the second that I found my tumor, I have felt all of these things myself about myself and I have watched Alex go through most of them. He tends to stay in between the "this is no big deal for you, you're so strong, you can do anything" and "D-E-E-R-I-N-H-E-A-D-L-I-G-H-T-S look". And although I tend to be harder on him, (God is still helping me with that), I understand, I am TRYING HARD to understand. But I will say sometimes I just want to be a big crybaby and feel sorry for myself. I keep hearing people tell me that it's ok, I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself, I've been served a big plate of shit while having to watch other people around me eat steak and lobster. Silver lining though folks--I can't taste food anymore so I'm doing pretty good eating the shit plate LOL . And every now and then I get a taste of what I'm eating and run for the mango!! That's my jam lately!! And pudding, I love me some pudding! And Hubba Bubba!! I sit in bed and enjoy the hell out of some Hubba Bubba for dessert! My kids can't believe how I am the bubble blowing QUEEN!! Sidebar--I have also shown them why I am the Gleeking queen and have taught all my daughters how to gleek..can you say old school!?? Yes, there has been a LOT of downtime lately...I'm thinking about teaching them how to play Jacks next -- any suggestions for what I can do with them when I'm not feeling so energetic would be awesome and it's actually good for me to teach them and laugh with them when I'm not feeling well.....ok back to the topic at hand, I got a little distracted there. I don't really edit these blogs, I know there are a few typos here and there but the message is clear and it's real and it's just me. I genuinely hope you all enjoy it and get something out of it. It's an outlet for me, a way to express myself without over analyzing anyone's facial, body, or verbal reactions. I get the gift of thinking everyone loves it and laughs right on *CUE*. See, in my head everyone just laughed, except maybe my buddy Ege. (pretty sure he just smirked here though)

It's damn near impossible to tell someone what the right thing to say is, so in honor of my mood this morning...here's some general advice of things not to say to someone not feeling so well, all in good fun folks :)

MY CHEMO COCKTAIL

My doc must have known me well and known that I love a good cocktail because she gave me TWO cocktail mixes!! The first is strong as fuck and the second being more chill but still strong, just easy on the "as fuck". Doesn't that sound lovely? Nice dinner, a strong ass cocktail, come home, sit outside and have a chiller (but still strong-ish) cocktail.

That's my recipe - 2 strong and effective cocktails! Seriously though, it should be noted that every breast cancer patient's recipe can and will differ. The whole treatment plan is customized by these brilliant minds that, in my opinion, actually care about their patients. They are a true team and I am the core, at least that's how they make me feel and I love it. My oncologist is this incredibly intelligent, competent, relatable, compassionate yet firm, funny, beautiful leader. She is so sharp, so down to earth, willing to talk to any and has met a whole bunch of my family. Celeste is so impressed with her and has started looking into what it takes educationally and financially to be an oncologist and help save cancer patients' lives. I know that high school seniors turn into college kids that change majors along the way, but I can truly say that even having this field in the running is a gift from the cancer that I'm sure she didn't intend to gift us.

My chemo recipe is as follows: ( I am inserting an excerprt here from my paperwork to preface how my regimen was, in part, determined)

"Cancer therapy selection, dosing, administration, and the management of related adverse events can be a complex process that should be handled by an experienced healthcare team. Clinicians must choose and verify treatment options based on the individual patient; drug dose modifiations and supportive care interventions should be administered accordingly. The cancer treatment regimens below may include both US Food and Drug Administration-approved and unapproved indications/regimens. These regimens are only provided to supplement the lastest treatment strategies. These Guidelines are a work in progress that may be refined as often as new significant data becomes available. The NCCN Guidelines are a consensus statement of its authors regarding their views of currently accepted approaches to treatment. Any clinicia seeking to apply or consult any NCCN Guidelines is expected to use independent medical judgement in the context of individual clinical circumstances to determine any patient's care or treatment. The National Comprehensive Cancer Network makes no warranties of any kind whatsoever regarding their content, use, or application and disclaims any responsibility for their application or use in any way."

My regimen falls under the "Neoadjuvant/Adjuvant Chemotherapy" classification for Her2-negative Disease, and is called the "Dose-dense AC followed by weekly paclitaxel (Category 1)^2 and is distributed as follows:

Day 1: Doxorubicin 60mg/m^2 IV

Day 1: Cyclophosphamide 600mg/m^2 IV

^this is the strong as fuck cocktail at dinner^

Repeat cycle every 14 days for 4 cycles, followed by:

Day 1: Paclitaxel 80mg/m^2 via 1-hour IV infusion weekly for 12 weeks

^this is the chiller but still strong cocktail in the backyard^

*It is important to note that I am positive for both the Estrogen and Progesterone receptors, this is actually a good thing as I undersand it. It means my tumor wasn't growing on it's own. It started in a tiny milk duct and grew to close to 5cm, but it needed help with that growth. My pathologist performed tests on my breast cancer cells to determine if they have receptors that feed on estrogen or progesterone, stimulating their growth. If the cancer cells have these receptors, my doctor may have recommended hormone therapy drugs, such as blockers or inhibitors. But since I am also BRCA2 positive, the likelihood of my cancer showing her ugly face again are too likely so hormone therapy isn't an option for me. We have to just completely take those babies off and rip out my ovaries while we're at it :) *this is me trying to keep my humor* But I think making the point that all treatment plans are customized and should you find yourself in a position where you have to understand any of this, find comfort in knowing that cancer treatment is not cookie cutter. And that is a wonderful thing, kind of like my QBR presentations :) *shoutout to my work peeps*

I think this is a good stopping point, I have a slumber party of girls in my living room ready for their pancake breakfast, thank you Chef Alex!! What would I do without your undiscriminating, equal opportunity support!! I see the love and I appreciate it more than I show you.

Sorry for the love fest guys, I have my moments!!! I got distracted a lot from what I thought I was going to sit down and blog today but I like it. It was therapuetic, made me laugh and got my day off to a great start, I'll count it as a win, and I hope you all enjoyed it and took something good away from it as well! I will create a Part II to the chemo section, it's deserving and worthwhile and I have a lot to share. As ugly as cancer is, and as disastrous as some of my days are, this blog really helps me see there is beauty here and beautiful memories being made, like happy kids running around playing hide and seek, giggling while waiting for Chef Alex's famous pancake breakfast <3

My plan for the next section is to introduce you to the Cancer Center that hosts my chemo sessions as well as 2 strong, beautiful women that sat with me during one of the scariest moments of my life.

#leslieslayscancer

#cardibofchemo